How To Recognise an Aquarist

1. The driveway and side of the house is filled with styro boxes, rocks, wood etc.
2. There are little pockets of sand and gravel on the front lawn, the shed is crammed with old filter parts, breeding boxes, gravel, broken nets, cracked glass covers..and the tools and lawnmower are leaning against the wall outside
3. Their shoes are taped up with gaffer tape but they leave the LFS with a new Eheim
4. The blender now lives in the fish room
5. The pantry houses more food for the fish than for the human occupants

6. There are enough empty plant pots in the shed to start a new nursery
7. There is $1500.00 of precious limetone in the driveway and a power disconnection notice on the table
8. Their undies are full of holes but the new $80.00 piece of wood looks fantastic!!
9. They have AAE and AQIS on speed dial
10. The medicine cabinet if full of fish treatments
11. They can’t go out to the party because there’s a documentary on about the spawning behaviour of chromides
12. They cancel a dinner engagement at the last minute because their rams might spawn soon and they want to watch
13. Latin is the preferred language
14. Talk of “spitting” and “swallowing” is allowed at the dinner table
15. There isn’t any freezer space left for human consumables
16. More emotion is shown at a fish death than the plight of the refugees
17. They notice that 1 out of 253 Uaru fry is missing but they have no idea what day it is
18. They can’t hear their partner calling them, but can hear a splash from the back room
19. There are near empty bottles of 5 different brands of buffers and salts in the cupboard
20. There is a box of broken heaters stashed away for safe keeping in the linen cupboard
21. The different types of limestone in the shed have common names eg. cathedral rock, sandwich rock, lacey rock, holey rock etc.
22. There is silicone on every article of clothing owned
23. They don’t notice the microworm smell till a visitor asks what the hell the stink is
24. Their kids eat black and gold raw oats whilst the microworms get Uncle Toby’s rolled oats
25. They miss meals to pay for the new colony that they have ordered
26. Their partner can’t find any extension cords, power paks or double adaptors but they know they bought new ones
27. When they turn off the power at their house, all the homes around them get a power surge
28. The fish shed is neater than the house
29. The only place to sit is on the floor
30. Verge side pickups become a mecca for “useful stuff”
31. The brakes are suddenly slammed on when a piece of poly pipe (read pleco home) is spotted along the freeway
32. Polygamy, threesomes and harems are acceptable
33. They wonder why the groceries cost so much, but don’t mind forking out $600.00 for three fish
34. Pregnant women are referred to as “holding”
35. They travel all over town looking for the “perfect” shell
36. They can strip and repair a filter inside of 5 minutes blindfolded, but can’t replace a light globe or washer
37. The fridge is full of brine shrimp and bloodworms in icecream containers
38. They can’t hear the baby crying but sit up all night nursing a catfish
39. The warmest room in the house is the fishroom
40. There is always enough time to visit the LFS…but they didn’t get round to picking up the kids
41. They consider that talking to fish is acceptable, but talking to other pets is odd
42. When a friend has a baby, they congratulate them on the spawning
43. They consider a tank of fish to be people
44. They have no problem doing waterchanges at 10:30pm or later even though it is not an emergency
45. They never have money for anything, but there’s always money somewhere for fish
46. Their bookshelf is comprised exclusively of aquarium books
47. The favourites list in their web browser is comprised exclusively of aquarium links
48. It’s hard to get to their bed, because of the tanks in the way
49. No one can understand why they have so many fish
50. There are a stack of net frames in a box…just in case they may be useful later
51. They have no trouble spelling Astatotilapia latifasciatus off the top of their head but need a dictionary for words like Wednesday
52. They find out that the spare room was actually built to house beds, not tanks
53. They nag all their neighbours for empty ice cream containers
54. Their sister can’t find any of her hair lacky’s
55. They worry more about how clean and tidy their tank is than their home
56. They spend more money on fish food and medicines than on their own shopping
57. They sit down in front of the TV to watch a new release movie and have to play it 4 times; they remember absolutely nothing of the movie except that in the last 12 hours, their shy catfish has shown its face for a total of 4 minutes
58. Ten minutes of watching television bores them stupid, but they’ll stare into a fish tank for 3 hours without a break
59. All the kitchen jugs are scattered through the fish rooms
60. All the sharp kitchen knives are now blunt from cutting poly, wood, rock etc.
61. Tea spoons and desert spoons are bent out of shape
62. There are bags of pool salt in the driveway….and no pool
63. They can never find 2m of continuous airline, but there is about 20m worth of 30cm pieces
64. The bicarb has vanished from the pantry
65. The dogs & cats are allowed on the lounge/bed/arm-chairs/lap and in the car/dunny/bed…but not the “…bloody Fish-Room!!!!”
66. Guests are “escorted” into the Fish Room/Shed and told the details of your latest acquisition/spawning/release…like it or not!!
67. They spend three days bent over a never ending bucket of gravel - scrubbing the muck off of it
68. …and then sit bent over the same 500 kg of gravel extracting the 2mm brown gravel from the 5mm white stones
69. They have enough left, but just want that little extra BIO-MEDIA for assurance
70. They continually ask their partner where the scissors are; even though they were the last to use them
71. They push through the pain barrier when lugging buckets of gravel, but complain all the way back to the car with the grocery bags
72. They have no idea what state Geelong is in, but can pin point a location on an unmarked Lake malawi shoreline map
73. When their partner yells “Where the hell is…” they have already left the room before hearing what the missing item is
74. There aren’t any bag ties for the rubbish bags left in the drawer
75. The holes in the colander/sieve are blocked with gravel
76. There aren’t any pot scourers on the kitchen sink, but there are 3 in the fish room, 2 in the loungeroom, 4 in the spare room and 9 in the garage
77. There are more Tupperware lids than containers in the cupboard
78. All the buckets have “Fish Bucket” written on them, including the replacement ones that their partner just bought
79. There are never any towels in the linen cupboard, but there are tons of them in the fish shed
80. Their partner goes to re-pot that house plant and finds an empty bag of peat and a crumpled up (empty) packet of fertiliser sticks
81. Their partner backs over a piece of wood on the lawn and they are more concerned about the broken wood than the staked tyre
82. They detected white spot on fry but didn’t see the (now spilt) cup of tea on the floor
83. Their cook books include recipes for “Do It Yourself Fish Foods”
84. They re-arrange all the zucchinis in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket, ensuring that they choose the one with the least blemishes
85. They rush for a towel to clean up slops on the front glass, but sit and watch the bundy and coke soak into the carpet
86. The toilet bowl is stained because all the “CLR clear” was used on that second hand tank bargain
87. The second hand tank bargain ended up costing $30.00 more in “CLR clear”
88. They use silicon to fill holes in walls, seal gaskets in their car, plug up holes in shoes, fix the kid’s Star Wars figure, as a substitute for tap washers, seal the bird bath…..
89. They see fish patterns on the lino in the loo at the local pub
90. They hear the word Veija used during a TV add for a Latin musical ensemble and suddenly become interested
91. The carpets in their car are littered with bits of rock, wood and “unextractable” beach sand
92. All the masonary drill bits are blunt from their use in creating limestone “rock art”
93. They can only be contacted via PM
94. Their kitchen tongs are missing after they were used to extract shells and coral from the boiling pot of water on the stove
95. They feel that it is never too cold or wet to collect limestone for that new set-up
96. They won’t retrieve a football from the roof for fear of falling, but will confidently clamber around cliff faces in search of that elusive perfect rock
97. They drive back from the beach dragging the exhaust, but won’t stop to offload any rock to relieve the burden
98. They are so lazy as to drive 150m to the corner shop for smokes, but will haul limestone for 12km back to the car without complaining
99. They replace an old tank fluoro on the same day, but the globe in the laundry has been blown for 7 months
100. They walk out of Spotlight with more dacron than an upholster would use in a year
101. They constitute the largest majority of both in and out patients at Graylands
101. Unable to contact them via their home telephone (Line busy on ACE), have to PM them first requesting they log off.
102. Their kids warn friends; “Don’t even look at the tanks. Don’t say anything about them, he will see your interested and you won’t be able to get away from him, for hours”
103. Second freezer is for the normal/people food
104. A marinara dinner consists of the food that the fish reject
105. There are no ice cube trays in the freezer, well none that actually have ice in them
106. Their protable generator has its oil changed on a two monthly basis, just in case, but their car is still only 3000km overdue
107. Their water changes take only six hours each week. (Oh and next week they promise that they will get around to installing the dishwasher)
108. Their garden lawn is barren, except for where the hose from the tanks waterchanges reaches; there the lawn is lush and green
109. Their partner yells everytime they have a shower because it has an inch of sand on the floor of the recess (ok, ok…I’ll clean it up now….. )
110. They wiill only date someone of the star sign of Pisces
111. You are happy to spend $500 on a new tank, but only $5 on something for the kids
112. They have a jar of recycled elastic bands
113. There are corresponding piles of used fish bags shoved in drawers, the pantry, on shelves…
114. Buckets are a main decorative feature in the living room
115. Their friends, who are into fish, use them as tech support
116. Their idea of a holiday is visiting the third world countries, so that they can see where their favourite fish come from
117. They constantly complain about bent nets or holes in nets, but can’t justify the price to replace them (even though there is always money for fish)
118. They join a fish forum and realise that they are already friends with nearly all the members
119. They’ve lost more money in fish that have died than they’ve spent on any other hobby (drinking is a hobby)
120. While watching Amazon documentaries, they impatiently wait for cutscenes to what’s living beneath the water and not the bird on the shore line
121. During said documentary, they can identify the fish that the birds are eating, but haven’t a clue what type of bird it is
122. Word association always leads to fish somehow eg. Africa - Malawi -”Malawi cichlids”, Brazil - Amazon - “Amazonian cichlids)
123. A trip into the city is now boring to them because Perth CBD doesn’t have fish stores
124. Their wallets are bursting with LFS business cards and the pics. of the kids have been relocatted to the bedside drawer
125. They would rather be broke and have those fancy fish, then have money and “common” fish
126. They wonder why there are so many flies in the house during summer and mosquitos during winter, then realise that they used the fly wire on the door for making fry savers
127. When they come home and notice there is white spot, it causes more mental damage than when they walk in on their parents going at it
128. Phrases like..”What do you mean you want a bath? Where’s the driftwood gonna go ? Have a shower instead…what buckets in the shower ?” are commonly heard in their house
129. There’s one day every week, where they walk into a room and the carpet goes “squelch squelch squelch”
130. They can’t sleep at someone else’s house because without the bubbling and humming noises, it is too quiet
131. They somehow have over 50 appliances running from one wall socket
132. Their shelves look like a chemist shop drug display
133. The people in the shop give them strange looks when they purchase several large bore syringes along with 2 tons of aquarium stuff
134. When going through the grocery bill they notice that the most they spent on ‘human food’ was $4.95, but for the fish it was $12.95 (zucchini)
135. They cause a 10 car pile up when they slam on the brakes to checkout a roadside council limestone dump